Natural Passages

Deep Caring: The Lover/Healer or the Impotent/Addict

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Herb Stevenson

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  Natural Passages Newsletter

SEPT 2016

 

Gentlemen,


In this issue, we explore the third of four archetypes that directly impact men (and women). As a newsletter for men, the content is focused toward men.  With that in mind, the lover/healer energy is quite difficult for many men to incorporate. Stereotypes about feminine energy are often confused with male versus female energy. We all seek balance between compassion and courage regardless of sex.  Hence, some men find this topic difficult to accept even though they would say they are compassionate individuals.

I've included questions at the end to deepen your understanding, a synopsis of the traits of the lover/healer  in wholeness, shadow and phantom. I've also added a prayer that if read aloud for 30 days will change your presence. Most men struggle with the prayer, finding it too close to their beliefs and therefore it feels sacrilegious or too close to what they are willing to examine about themselves.

I encourage gentleness supported by strength in becoming the man you were meant to be. Be courageously compassionate with your self.

Choosing to Live Consciously
Herb Stevenson


Deep Caring

The Lover/Healer or the Impotent/Addict

The compassion and openness to be able to Connect and Feel with myself, those around me, and the environment, while surrendering to what has heart and meaning to my deepest soul.

The Lover/Healer

At a very early age, many young boys are indoctrinated into the warrior energies, even though they are hardwired for both loving and mystical experiences. The young boy, often, is buoyant in his exuberance for life and fully in balance with both his masculine and feminine energies. He is completely comfortable within his body and in his relationship with others. Life is ecstatic. Then, suddenly and often sternly, the child learns from his father, mother, teachers, peers, etc, that young boys are expected to behave in a particular way.

They are to be more manly as defined in the image of John Wayne, Charlton Heston, and Robert Mitchum or Albert Einstein, Albert Schweitzer, and Jonas Salk or Babe Ruth, Lou Gehrig and Mickey Mantle, and more recently Sylvester Stallone, Vin Diesel, The Rock, on an on and on. We are to become good workers, soldiers, warriors, hunters, providers, procreators, protectors, etc. and we learn that being a man, our self, is very complex.

Many of our childhood heros were dual in their presence. Their public persona was viewed as the manly image portrayed as role models for all men to somehow mimic, while newspapers often revealed a much different private self, such as the philandering Babe Ruth and the soft spoken John Wayne. More recently, the “good guys” portray a different set of principles which makes it less clear about the hero within. Moreover, amidst these conflicting images, all young boys were and continue to be asked to define what does it mean to be a man.

The Lover/Healer energy of all boys and men is what supports our ability to have the compassion and openness to be able to Connect and Feel with oneself, those surrounding one self, and the environment, while surrendering to what has heart and meaning to one’s deepest soul. It is how we can be intimate in life with our self, others, and with life. The Lover energy is the source of much that is beautiful, inspiring, idealistic, and visionary for a mature man regardless of sexual orientation.

As we age and learn to creatively adapt to our environment, we learn that those with more power or influence or force will often humiliate and determine how we will behave. Implicit to this process is the fact that at an early age, we tend to lack the internal support and authority to maintain the core of what we know to be true and right for our self. We begin to submit to cultural, family, and social pressures to be more like some image of what is proper and correct behavior for a man. Conformity becomes a means by which to belong and at least to minimize the punitive redress.

The Uninitiated Lover

The Impotent Shadow and the Addict Phantom

The Impotent Shadow

A shadow is something that hides in the background, unable to fully embrace his power and therefore to be fully present in any situation. He is passive in his approach to life and therefore in his contributions. As the Lover/Healer, the shadow surfaces in various forms of impotence such as being dependent, compulsive, incapable, and avoidant.

Casting of the Shadow

As noted above, the male child has a developing Lover at birth. Being nurtured by their mothers, the Lover is at least given some free reign during the early dependent months and years. As the boy begins to develop his warrior energies, he must build a wall between his mother so as to find the independence to experience his masculine energies. Often, mothers will not allow such a wall to be built, thereby creating a sense of dependence, or if the wall is built the child does not receive any support from the father for the Lover energy, thereby creating an avoidance. “The problem is that the child is left with the impossible choice of either remaining feminine in order to stay in a human relationship—the only one known at this early stage—or breaking their feeling ties with mother to become masculine.” The father contributes to this dilemma for the young male child by often being unavailable physically or emotionally. This can lead to a creative adjustment that “big boys” don’t need time or attention, or are not emotional—cry babies. “What the father needs to do is to take his son to him, emotionally and physically, to hold him, to show him that he loves him. The boy needs to be assured that he can depend on his father for relationship. Fathers need to nurture theirs sons in order to show them that while they do have to separate from their mothers in order to achieve a masculine identity, they do not have to forfeit warm and intimate relationships in the process.”

The Good Son

  • I have tasted the fruits of being "the good son" as tested by the fires of your humanness.
  • I have succumbed to the lambasting words that propelled me into emotional oblivion.
  • I have lain in fear from the vivid portrayals of what happens to boys like me.
  • I have cowered under the thunder of your angry arm swinging the leather belt of destruction.
  • I have languished in your simmering resentment for being responsible for my well-being.
  • I have tasted the fruits of being the "good" son as tested by the icy coolness of your life.
  • I have borne the chill of your alienation from your self, your life, and your inbred strife.
  • I have carried the bite of your isolation from crawling out of bed day- after-day to feed me.
  • I have worn the cloak of your desperation as I lived your dreams while forgetting my own.
  • I have seen the vacancy behind your eyes as you smiled for someone, obviously, not me.
  • I have felt the trembling hands that simply wanted to walk away with no place in mind.
  • I have seen the weariness of a barren soul hiding the desires to ignite the fires buried within.
  • I have tasted the fruits of being a good "son" as tested by the dripping dew of your inner child.
  • I have been blinded by the sullenness from not allowing joy to express itself.
  • I have been pulled apart from the missing words of encouragement to find myself.
  • I have been wordlessly informed of what is expected with-out question, without consent.
  • I have been shown that everything has a price, often far in excess of its worth.
  • I have lived in the confines of deleterious directions of how life is to be lived.
  • I have given what's mine, to fill what was taken as yours, no more.
  • Now, "I am" the good son.

©thstevenson
28 April 1996

Recasting my Shadow

For example, I was raised in a family where men did not touch their sons once they could walk, except for acts of discipline. As I matured, I watched my father hold his father’s hand while he died. An immense healing seemed to occur at that instance where his father wanted to be touched by Pop (my father). I asked Pop, who was 62 at the time how long it had been since his father had endearingly touched him. He replied since he was two. I was shocked at the 60 year gap and suddenly realized we had a good start on our own as I 40 years into the same experience with him. A short time later, I expressed interest in showing more affection. We struggled through hugging, handshaking, and finally as he reached his mid seventies watching John Wayne movies and sitting holding hands. Some years later, I am still touched deep within myself from those memories.

Impotence as Shadow

The passive approach to embodying the Lover energy leads to immature men that do not know how to fully embrace life, their family, their being. As a result, they lean towards being emotionally depressed, paralyzed, and dependent, where love is shown more by what I can do for you to provide, protect, and solve problems. Unfortunately, this type of love feels fruitless and unfulfilling. Emotional depression, paralysis, or dependency can develop from the shock and fear of having our psychological boundaries invaded, of having been physically, emotionally, sexually, or spiritually abused, of having our existence threatened energetically through rejection and abandonment, or having been smothered by ‘mother’. Regardless of the source of the invalidation, our internal authority of what is real or what is Memorex (a memory much like an exact tape recording) is questioned with each attempt to coerce us to change our desired behavior and what we know to be true; e.g. ‘Big boys don’t cry’, ‘You really don’t feel that way”, etc.

The invalidation leads to a combination of repressed rage protecting fear of not only attack and criticism, but of an even more primal terror—annihilation1—the end of existence. The boy becomes a series of rote statements about who he is and how he should behave, instead of a human that can enjoy and embrace the beauty of his internal and external worlds. In many ways, he has been forced into purgatory...the place between worlds with little or no way of knowing on his own that he has been exiled from himself and the experiences of life.

Vulnerability is not Intimacy

Hence, early in life, we learn to close down our sense of openness so that we can not be embarrassed or humiliated. We learn that Vulnerability is not a virtue. For a man vulnerability means that you are totally open and exposed similar to being embarrassed and in a worst case scenario to being humiliated and shamed; both, are experiences that one does not have the right to exist or be seen. Vulnerability is not what mature men seek, it is intimacy. Intimacy consists of a fully present man that is able to show-up while being receptive and sensitive to life. By combining the warrior to ensure proper presence and boundaries, we are able to be intimate with other people whereas vulnerability means that we are not in contact with anything but our internal experience of being totally exposed.

Unfinished Business

The Wounds and Unfinished Business of men seek healing through repetitive situations. The wounds of childhood surface over and over until we begin to believe that certain experiences are facts, when, in fact, the repetitive situations are our individual attempts to find a way to heal our self. When the “same ole same ole” cycle of habitual behavioral patterns surface, stop and ask what is it that I am trying to heal that is hiding behind this hardening perception of how life is or of how my spouse is or of how my marriage is or of how my job is. What is it that I really want and that I am unable to seek directly.

1. Interestingly, annihilate means to destroy utterly, and, in physics, it means to convert (matter) into radiant energy, especially by collision of a particle with an antiparticle. If we combine the two meanings into a psychological construct, the child’s reality is destroyed utterly by the mother or father with an opposing reality more palpable to the parents; ergo, the child’s existence is turned into radiant energy not acceptable in this world.

Because the male libido is strongly associated with his Lover energy, the Impotent Shadow is the result of a castrated male child. Invalidated in his masculine energy to take action and set boundaries and unable to embrace the beauty of life. Often, he will hide in his manly activities of work, athletics, and ‘productive tasks’ while never experiencing the joy of any of them except as means to not validate his masculine and feminine energies.

The Phantom Addict

A phantom leers ahead of a person much like a haunting ghost desires to keep all comers away from the person. It is an inflated and active form of creative adjustment that can show-up as histrionic behavior. For example the need to take center stage, to be the life of the party, and to charm others into liking them; or antisocial disorders, such as an angry independence and autonomy that can be expressed as assumed and false authority to rule over others and often leads to addictive behaviors, surrounding work, sex, food, and other self medicating chemicals as well as to sadistic behaviors. Rage often hides and protects the real undeveloped self.

The Phantom Addict displays Lover energy first by reaching out to another that is perceived to give him pleasure. However, because the Phantom Addict cannot readily hold boundaries, he ends up surrendering his freedom and his sense of self to the other person or pleasure object (chemicals). This process clearly depicts the phantom as a mere ghost or illusion created by the person as a means to self protect. As such, in reaching out to another in an idolatrous love, the possessed man actually disappears into the other, and for all practical purposes ceases to exist. Lacking the presence and boundary clarification of his masculine energies, he is a mere illusion. The Lover energy, on the other hand, in its fullness, urges the man neither to self admiration nor to self-annihilation. Rather, the Lover inspires a man to simultaneously affirm and transcend his individuality. The question for the mature male Lover is not “to be nor not to be”. It is how to be, in an enjoyable relationship with another, that is how to safely be intimately engaged.

As the insubstantiveness of each experience develops, the need for more and more often leads to a complete and utter addictive dependency that always comes up just shy of complete satisfaction. He compulsively finds himself locked in an endlessly repeating cycle of ecstasy and disappointment. All of his farewells heap upon him a burden of regret and grief which no mortal man can bear. At some level, he knows that he took a turn through a creative adjustment that has led him away from himself. As such he is completely aware that he feels guilty for his original correction and moreover grieves the losses that he has incurred from having followed a ghost instead of “real relations”.

Addictions point to the elements of the individual and collective psyche that have been misdirected and/or repressed, and to the male developmental stages that have been interrupted. It is clear that the absence in our culture of secret and ritual male bonding, such as sweatlodges and vision quests, and healthy male initiatory organizations designed to convey the spiritual truths of masculine identity, as once was military duty, is more damaging to the souls and to the physical health of men than has been acknowledged.

When a man apprehends the Lover in his fullness, he embraces the liberating experience of being a finite and worthy self, intent on joyful partnership with another. His presence is healing.

The Healer/Lover

The road to male maturity is paved with feminine bricks. To be fully mature, the masculine energy requires the integration of the feminine parts of our self. It is often noted that a man becomes more masculine when he has incorporated his feminine energies. This does not mean that he becomes sissified. It means that men are able to be vivid and spontaneous in our imagination and appreciation of life. Moreover, men understand that in surrendering to life, we are steadfast in our boundaries of whom we are. Feminine energies of the Lover re-balance the perceptual frame of life so that we begin to normalize the full range of emotions that support men to understand appropriate and healthy grief, sadness, anger, disappointment, etc, as well as joy, happiness, ecstacy, etc. For example I cherish having had enough of a relationship with my mother and father to feel sadness about (and a sense of loss after) their passing. I realize that life is not meant to be happy ever after...it is to be fully lived every after. In short, the Lover energy enables us to “know the fierce and terrible joy at the heart of all things.” Many men touch on this is insight in the military where the initiatory challenges of military life and the face of war creates a shared experience that leads to an intimate bond beyond words.

Sexuality is Not Sensuality.

Sensuality is to fully embrace the senses, or if you prefer the sensual, where as male sexuality tends to be focused on the act of sex, generally reserved to the phallic experience instead of the full body sensual experience. Phallic energy is warrior energy whereas sensual energy is gently surrendering to the wholeness of yourself. Many men that have not embraced or were forced to relinquish their Lover/Healer energy, do not know or have not experienced anything beyond the hunger for sex and therefore do not know the difference from a hunger for sex and a hunger for sensual experience, for procreation, and, most importantly, for a comprehensive sense of well being. Instead, it becomes a search for something to fill an undescribed and unfulfilled lifelong yearning. Regardless of religion and other cultural norms, when allowed to form a healthy Lover energy within our self, we seek pleasure that can soothe our soul, not our penis.

Compassion—a form of deep Knowing that Heals.

Compassion is a form of deep knowing that comes from empathically understanding the horrifying predicament or painful situation of an other. It is not mushiness, but full heartedness that can only come from the long, hard, and painful experiences of a mature male. Strength begets gentleness and gentleness begets strength can only be understood when a man has accepted that within the many difficult, initiatory learning experiences was a wisdom that can provide support for a fellow man or woman. Compassion is heartfelt caring created from having completed similar odysseys that lead to a deeply empathic knowing, often resulting in being able to see others in a form of “we” versus me.

Appreciation.

Mature males need to appreciate the art that they create as well as the feelings for other people’s creations. As such, the mature male has compassion for his weaknesses and genuine appreciation for his strengths. He knows that what appears to be a weakness is often a hidden strength, and what appears as a strength may disguise a hidden weakness. He knows that he is part of something far beyond himself therefore knows that he has a personal relationship with all of mankind as well as with his brothers and sisters in the natural world—the waters, the land, the sky, and the plants and animals that we coexist with on this planet. Moreover, he knows that there is something beyond what we can know and that this Great Mystery somehow touches our soul.

Appearing as a Presence.

A man need not be ashamed to fully appear, nor to fill up all of his space. Rather, it is in the comfort of mature masculinity that males can more fully show-up and take their rightful place in the world.

Because he can love and care for himself deeply and authentically, he can also reach out to others with care, concern, empathy and love, without feeling the need to rescue or took care of or fix the other person. For example, fifteen years ago I got fed up with acting as if our family was Caucasian, when in reality we are mixed native American. I decided to claim my heritage as a biracial Native American man. At the time, I was a very successful consultant, driving a Mercedes Benz, and living the high life for a boy coming out of poverty. I soon discovered that most of my clients did not appreciate this newly discovered heritage and 70% of them immediately hit the road. Shortly thereafter, I discovered that my wife was addicted to painkillers and not in any mood to let go of her addiction, and that I was deeply buried in the Impotent shadow lover. After much self searching, I realized that if I did not fully claim my place in the world, it would not matter to anyone, except me. One inch at a time, one day at a time, I worked to rediscover the Lover/Healer in myself. I am still on the journey, yet I find that though I am not joyful everyday, I do feel a sense of contentment about who I am having reclaimed all of myself.

Spiritual Practice

To access our Lover, we can return to daily prayer, meditation, active imagination, dream interpretation and psychotherapeutic support. We can pay attention to how often we mindlessly return to our same old patterns of responding to our children, our partners, and our self and try to add one thing each day that brings joy to those relations.

For example, today, I plant flowers and meditate/pray daily. I found out the prayer is actually letting the hidden parts of myself know what are my intentions for the day and how I prefer to live my life. With steadfast determination, I discovered that they come out of the shadows and begin to support the changes I want to make. After all, it is my life and I am responsible for all of it.

Bless the Interruptions:

Learning to fully appreciate the hard work of another regardless of the results is an art in creating hope. Each day, try to brighten someone’s day with acknowledgment of them as a person. Welcome interruptions to your daily patterns and habitual thoughts so that you can see the Great Mystery has nudged you to try some new and different; and, bless the interrupter, as it is often only a spiritual messenger in the body of a child or loved one.

Embrace the Great Mystery:

Mystical experiences can happen in any moment, if we only slow down long enough to look, listen, and learn. Embrace the great Mystery of life, else we go through it without ever really have lived. Once the mystical touches you, your soul will never be the same.

Embrace the Souls of others:

We all yearn for intimacy, which is a safe and contained way to allow another person to see and be seen within me and vice versa. I cannot embrace another safely without the full presence of my masculine energies. Herein, I can take action and set boundaries that will enable me to surrender to the intimacy of allowing another within me and my deepest feminine act.

Adapted from Robert Moore & Douglas Gillette, (1993) The Lover within: Accessing the Lover in the Male
Psyche. New York: William Morrow & Co.

 

Lover/Healer Medicine—Deep Caring

The compassion and openness to be able to Connect and Feel with myself, those around me, and the environment,
while surrendering to what has heart and meaning to my deepest soul.

The Spirit of the Lover/Healer

In touch with his/her emotions
Appreciates beauty and wonder for its own sake, without having to understand it or analyze it
Appreciates music, dance and the arts
Can feel sensual without feeling ashamed
Honors and expresses his/her soul
Takes time for self-renewal
Can be alone, quiet, reflective, introspective, contemplative
Has an aligned, healthy connection with the spiritual dimension
Open to new relationships
Likes to connect at a deep, personal level with other people
Can "see" into the heart of others with understanding and compassion
Open to his/her desires
A healthy appetite for life
Healthy sexual self-awareness
Healthy awareness of his/her body
Spontaneous, playful
Nurturing, empathetic, welcoming
Able to grieve
Able to celebrate.

The Shadow of the Lover/Healer

Afraid of being alone or abandoned (gets small)
Has a hard time having fun
Prefers not to explore emotion
Has no need or desire to pursue art, beauty, wonder
Has a hard time connecting with others at a personal or intimate level
Tends to be stoic, unfeeling or to go numb
Denies the need to connect with the spiritual dimension
Tends to be distant or alienated from others
Sexually inactive or impotent
Tends to feel vulnerable, like a lost child
May create and then hide in a fantasy world
Easily shamed.

The Phantom of the Lover/Healer

Afraid of being alone or abandoned (gets big)
Prone to addictions (e.g., money, possessions, food, pleasure, work)
Can be easily flooded emotionally
Tends to be consumed or overwhelmed by his/her emotions or desires
Sexually restless, perhaps unfaithful
Tends to be "swept away" in relationships
Falls in love, and out of love easily
Finds himself/herself in stressful, unhealthy, or co-dependent relationships
Forces his/her love on others
Lives his/her life in emotional extremes
Lives only in the moment
Prone to fanaticism or idolatry
Easily consumed by causes
Always searching, but not knowing what he/she is looking for
Seeks the ultimate and continuous "high"

Comments/Reflections

(List your comments/reflections/reactions to the Lover/Healer)

List areas for you to explore how to do yourself different in your day-to-day life

List who you will ask to support these changes?

Describe how you will know you’ve been successful.

Daily Prayer of the Lover/Healer

I call to those who went before me for guidance to travel this day’s path.
I ask those who are yet to come what this day holds for me.
Of Lover/Healer and Man and Man is what I seek.
I ask for the Lover/Healer and Man to be at one with the Man and for the Man to walk beside the Lover/Healer.
I ask for an open heart where I have the compassion and openness to be able to Connect and Feel with myself, those around me, and the environment, while surrendering to what has heart and meaning to my deepest soul.

Long Version or Skip to Short Version

I ask—
» To be in touch with my emotions
» To Appreciate beauty and wonder for its own sake, without having to understand it or analyze it
» To Appreciate music, dance and the arts
» To feel sensual without feeling ashamed
» To Honor and express my soul
» To Take time for self-renewal by being alone, quiet, reflective, introspective, contemplative
» To maintain an aligned, healthy connection with my spiritual self
» To be Open to new relationships without attachment
» To connect at a deep, personal level with other people
» To "see" into the heart of others with understanding and compassion
» To Open to my desires without acting inappropriately
» To have a healthy appetite for life
» To enjoy a Healthy sexual self-awareness and a Healthy awareness of my body
» To be Spontaneous, playful, Nurturing, empathetic, and welcoming
» To be Able to grieve and to celebrate.

Skip to Here for Short Version

I offer this prayer to the Spirits above and humbly ask for their divine help to live my life to the fullest and bring honor to myself and my people. In gratitude,

Ah ho or Amen or “I am done” or “So be it! So it is! So I am!”

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MoMen Return

September 22-25, 2016

MoMen Return

We shall not cease from our exploration, And the end of all our exploring, Will be to arrive where we started, And know the place for the first time. —T. S. Eliot

The MoMen Return weekend is for those who have completed the year-long program. It is a return to where we started. It is an exploration into the four principles of presence. The focus is to delve deeply into the relational next steps of the four chambered heart, the four phantoms of fear and the resulting shadow behavior. Dynamic exercises will be provided to support an inward journey and then the opportunity to share these private stories with each other.

The intention of the weekend is to take advantage of the wooded area of the Pebble Ledges. Living in tents, we will have the magic of solitude, the comfort of the surrounding forest, and the support of the community of other MoMen. Woven into the fabric of the weekend are experiences that support personal and interpersonal explorations of whom are you as a man in today’s world.

When

MoMen Return will occur September 22-25, 2016. Start-up is 9:00 AM on Thursday, September 22nd with a brief hello and get to know each other before we build our village and homes for the weekend. One or two small villages will be created depending on how many MoMen Return.

Costs

The MoMen Return workshop is $600 per person. Mail checks to: Cleveland Consulting Group, Inc. at 9796 Cedar Road, Novelty, Ohio 44072-9747.

Supplies

Food and tents are provided for the weekend. However, all sleeping gear, eating utensils, and personal items must be brought to the weekend. In addition, we are asking that each MoMan bring 2-3 gallons of water that will be used for drinking and washing stations.

Visit the Natural Passages website
or download the PDF brochure here


Learn more at www.natural-passages.com

Download the Brochure (Includes printable enrollment form)